Moving

This weekend.....I move. out of the air-conditioned basement to a 3rd story apartment with Deb!!
It's been a long time coming. Too long, really. But it's getting closer!! How exciting and scary!

Be kinder than necessary,

for everyone you meet

is fighting some kind of battle.

Feng Shui Horoscope

Watch your 'Thoughts,' they become words.
Watch your 'Words,' they become actions.
Watch your 'Actions,' they become habits.
Watch your 'Habits,' they become character.
Watch your 'Character,' for it becomes your Destiny.

Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens!
If you are honest this tells the truth -- it's pretty good.

Write your answers on a piece of paper, NO cheating!!
The answers are at the bottom.

1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5 . Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?

When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat!

Answers:
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love
Black - you are conservative and aggressive
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you
love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are
down

2. If your initial is:
A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon
to blossom.
S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

3. If you were born in:
JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you
fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a major
life-changing experience for the good.
OCT - DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your soul mate.

4. If you chose...
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will be the best
thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do
anything for you, but you may not realize it.

5. This person should be your best friend.

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your lifetime.

7. If you chose:
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.

8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

Why God Made Moms

BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

 

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

 

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

 

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

 

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1 We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

 

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

 

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

 

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

 

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

 

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine

 

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

 

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

 

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

without you

i'm lost and weird without you here

laugh

Pilot's Gripe Sheet

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the
only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a
plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. What reassurance for those
of us who fly routinely in our jobs!

GUF

·   A woman was trapped for three days in a New Zealand parking garage elevator. After finally escaping, the garage attendants tried to charge her for three days of parking.

·   Police in Cebu City in the Philippines killed a man while trying to prevent him from committing suicide.

·   In 17th century China, finely chopped tiger whiskers would be put on someone’s food to torture them. The microscopic barbs on the whiskers would cause the pieces to lodge in the victim’s intestines, causing painful infection.

·   A "moment" is actually 90 seconds.

·   In Middle English, "balded" meant white; the word survives in the shortened version "bald" which is why the bald eagle (with its white head) is called bald. Dogs who have white spots are called pibald (or "part white") for the same reason.

·   Mrs. was originally an abbreviation of "mistress," but now is not an abbreviation of anything, except a woman's single lifestyle.

·   The word "corn" is generally used in English-speaking countries to mean the most common grain. Thus, in England, "corn" means wheat, while in Scotland it means oats. What the U.S. and Canada refer to as "corn" is generally called "maize" in other countries.

·   Several visitors to the Memphis Zoo in the 1990's demanded to have their admission fees refunded when they discovered that a special exhibit on dinosaurs did not include live dinosaurs.

·   Representative Peter Smith of Vermont boasted in a newsletter to constituents that he had "traveled to cocoa-producing countries to again better understanding of cocoa addiction." To think he could have gone just a couple of hundred miles to Hershey, Pennsylvania instead.

·   In Iowa, a man was required to turn in his personalized license plate which read 3MTA3. The state claimed that, when viewed through a mirror, the plate read "EATME."

·   In 1992, an Alabama man admitted to trying to destroy the wild population of Alabama red-bellied turtles. He did it so that he could get a federal grant to reintroduce the species.

·   In Massachusetts, the mother of a boy who died after wrecking a car which he stole sued General Motors and the owners of the car.

·   In 1994, a 405-pound man sued Denny’s restaurant for $1.3 million under the Americans with Disabilities Act. The man wanted a Grand Slam breakfast, but no seat in the restaurant was big enough to fit him.

·   In 1992, the U.S. Postal Service was the defendant in an employment suit. Lawyers for the Postal Service had to file papers with the court the next day, so they sent the papers via USPS Express Mail service, which promises next day delivery. The papers arrived ten days later, too late to be of any good.

·   In 1994, the Telecommunications Commission of Northwest Ohio required TCI, a cable TV provider, to raise its prices 5%. The Commission said TCI’s fees were embarrassingly low.

·   In 1992, Canton, Ohio social workers charged a man with child abuse and neglect because his four daughters had cavities. The children were returned only after the man presented their dental records to prove that they indeed made regular dental visits.

·   Washington, D.C. police ticketed the same illegally parked car three times in a 15-hour period. Only after a passerby called them to investigate the vehicle did they notice that the car’s engine was running and there was a corpse with a bullet in its head in the back seat.

·   Between April 1993 and November 1995, the United States Postal Service engaged in a program of "downsizing." By the time it was over, the number of USPS employees had increased by almost 10%. About 99% of the new employees were permanent.

·   The city of Malibu, California has granted honorary citizenship to all whales and dolphins.

·   In 1993, the Environmental Protection Agency conducted a study to determine if people were being harmed by inhaling water vapor while taking showers.

·   In Clearfield, Utah, city officials wished to discourage the wearing of gang-related clothing. Thus, they banned the wearing of certain items at the 1996 July Fourth celebrations. The items included baseball caps, baggy trousers, and the colors red and blue.

·   In the late 1990's the Environmental Protection Agency's fleet of cars for official use consisted mostly of luxury cars (Lincolns and Crown Victorias), and the fleet averaged about 6.3 miles per gallon of gasoline.

·   In 1994, two women in Minnesota were ordered to stop giving free haircuts to the poor, a service they had provided for ten years. The women didn't have barber's licenses and the state Board of Barber Examiners didn’t like that. The women faced jail time if they did not stop.

·   The U.S. Federal Government General Services Administration has, since 1990, used the private company Federal Express to carry all of its overnight mail, rather than the U.S. Postal Service. FedEx offers overnight service to large customers for lower rates than the USPS does. The GSA renewed their six-year contract with FedEx in 1996.

·   It takes three Philadelphians to change a light bulb at the Philadelphia International Airport. According to civil service rules, a building mechanic must be called to remove the panel, an electrician must be used to actually change the bulb, and a custodian must be called to sweep the dust.

FAKE vs. REAL

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food

 

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. / Mrs.

REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM

 

FAKE FRIENDS: Never seen you cry

REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you

 

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back

REAL FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours

 

FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you

REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you

 

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing

REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you

 

FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door

REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say 'I'M HOME!'

 

FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile

REAL FRIENDS: Are for life

 

FAKE FRIENDS: Will talk bad to the person who talks bad about you.

REAL FRIENDS: Will knock out the person that talked bad about you

Edith Easter

Edith Burns was a wonderful Christian who lived in San Antonio, Texas. She was the patient of a doctor by the name of Will Phillips. Dr. Phillips was a gentle doctor who saw patients as people. His favorite patient was Edith Burns.

 

One morning he went to his office with a heavy heart and it was because of Edith Burns.  When he walked into that waiting room, there sat Edith with her big black Bible in her lap earnestly talking to a young mother sitting beside her.

 

Edith Burns had a habit of introducing herself in this way: "Hello, my< BR>name is Edith Burns.  Do you believe in Easter?" Then she would explain the meaning of Easter, and many times people would be saved.

 

Dr. Phillips walked into that office and there he saw the head nurse, Beverly. Beverly had first met Edith when she was taking her blood pressure. Edith began by saying, "My name is Edith Burns. Do you believe in Easter?"

 

Beverly said, "Why yes I do."

 

Edith said, "Well, what do you believe about Easter?"

 

Beverly said, "Well, it's all about egg hunts, going to church, and dressing up."  Edith kept pressing her about the real meaning of Easter, and finally led her to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

 

Dr. Phillips said, "Beverly, don't call Edith into the office quite yet. I believe there is another delivery taking place in the waiting room.

 

After being called back in the doctor's office, Edith sat down and when she took a look at the doctor she said, "Dr. Will, why are you so sad? Are you reading your Bible?  Are you praying?"

 

Dr. Phillips said gently, "Edith, I'm the doctor and you're the patient." With a heavy heart he said, "Your lab report came back and it says you have cancer, and Edith, you're not going to live very long."

 

Edith said, "Why Will Phillips, shame on you. Why are you so sad? Do you think God makes mistakes?  You have just told me I'm going to see my precious Lord Jesus, my husband, and my friends. You have just told me that I am going to celebrate Easter forever, and here you are having difficulty giving me my ticket!"

 

Dr. Phillips thought to himself, "What a magnificent woman this Edith Burns is!"

 

Edith continued coming to Dr. Phillips. Christmas came and the office was closed through January 3rd. On the day the office opened, Edith did not show up.  Later that afternoon, Edith called Dr. Phillips and said she would have to be moving her story to the hospital and said, "Will, I'm very near home, so would you make sure that they put women in here next to me in my room who need to know about Easter."

 

Well, they did just that and women began to come in and share that room with Edith.  Many women were saved. Everybody on that floor from staff to patients were so excited about Edith, that they started calling her Edith Easter; that is everyone except Phyllis Cross, the head nurse.

 

Phyllis made it plain that she wanted nothing to do with Edith because she was a "religious nut". She had been a nurse in an army hospital. She had seen it all and heard it all. She was the original G.I. Jane. She had been married three times, she was hard, cold, and did everything by the book.

 

One morning the two nurses who were to attend to Edith were sick.

 

Edith had the flu and Phyllis Cross had to go in and give her a shot. When she walked in, Edith had a big smile on her face and said, "Phyllis, God loves you and I love you, and I have been praying for you."

 

Phyllis Cross said, "Well, you can quit praying for me, it won't work. I'm not interested."

 

Edith said, "Well, I will pray and I have asked God not to let me go home until you come into the family."

 

Phyllis Cross said, "Then you will never die because that will never happen," and curtly walked out of the room.

 

Every day Phyllis Cross would walk into the room and Edith would say, "God loves you Phyllis and I love you, and I'm praying for you."

 

One day Phyllis Cross said she was literally drawn to Edith's room like a magnet would draw iron. She sat down on the bed and Edith said, "I'm so glad you have come, because God told me that today is your special day."

 

Phyllis Cross said, "Edith, you have asked everybody here the question, ‘Do you believe in Easter’, but you have never asked me."

 

Edith said, "Phyllis, I wanted to many times, but God told me to wait until you asked, and now that you have asked..." Edith Burns took her Bible and shared with Phyllis Cross the Easter Story of the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Edith said, "Phyllis, do you believe in Easter? Do you believe that Jesus Christ is alive and that He wants to live in your heart?"

 

Phyllis Cross said, "Oh I want to believe that with all of my heart, and I do want Jesus in my life." Right there, Phyllis Cross prayed and invited Jesus Christ into her heart. For the first time Phyllis Cross did not walk out of a hospital room, she was carried out on the wings of angels.

 

Two days later, Phyllis Cross came in and Edith said, "Do you know what day it is?" Phyllis Cross said, "Why Edith, its Good Friday."

 

Edith said, "Oh, no, for you every day is Easter.  Happy Easter Phyllis!"

 

Two days later, on Easter Sunday, Phyllis Cross came into work, did some of her duties and then went down to the flower shop and got some Easter lilies because she wanted to go up to see Edith and give her some Easter lilies and wish her a Happy Easter.

 

When she walked into Edith's room, Edith was in bed. That big black Bible was on her lap.  Her hands were in that Bible. There was a sweet smile on her face. When Phyllis Cross went to pick up Edith's hand, she realized Edith was dead. Her left hand was on John 14: "In my Father's house are many mansions. I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also."

 

Her right hand was on Revelation 21:4, "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, there shall be no more death nor sorrow, nor crying; and there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

 

Phyllis Cross took one look at that dead body, and then lifted her face toward heaven, and with tears streaming down here cheeks, said, "Happy Easter, Edith - Happy Easter!"

 

Phyllis Cross left Edith's body, walked out of the room, and over to a table where two student nurses were sitting. She said, "My name is Phyllis Cross. Do you believe in Easter?"

 

Quotes

Acronyms are Fun?

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

 

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.' She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly. He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

 

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.' The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.'

 

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. “T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'

 

The mind is like a parachute: It works better when it is open.  - Author Unknown

 

(¯`v´¯)

`*.¸.*´

¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)

(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.

I Need to Remember This

If you limit your choices to what seems possible,
you disconnect yourself from what you truly want.
All that is left is a compromise.
~ Robert Fritz

In the Classroom

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA:          Here it is.

TEACHER:    Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS:          Maria.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:            You told me to do it without using tables.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:         K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER:    No, that's wrong

GLENN:         Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:      H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:    What are you talking about?

DONALD:      Yesterday you said it's H to O. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:         Me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:            Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE:           I is...

TEACHER:    No, Millie...Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:           All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:           Because George still had the ax in his hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    Now, Simon, tell me, do you say prayers before Eating?

SIMON:          No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.  Did you copy his?

CLYDE:         No, it's the same dog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:      A teacher.

 

Huh???

Guess who I heard on K102 yesterday??

 

Point of Grace!

 

I laughed, and then wondered WHY they were on a country radio station?

Rick & Holly 1

The wedding shower for Rick and Holly...and videos!!

Father of the Groom Speech


Gift from Brother


PICTURES HERE.

Funnies

Johnny's church

Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him 'playing church' with their three kittens. He had the kittens sitting in a row, and he was preaching to them. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the kittens in a tub of water. She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! Those kittens are afraid of water!'

Johnny looked up at her and said, 'They should have thought about that before they joined my church.'

 

 

 

New Jordan Movies and Pix

Pillow Fight & More



In PJ's, reading & eating book


Pictures are HERE.

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness when she declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not.